This week, both questions come from readers navigating situations outside their control, even though they wish they could control them. Both care deeply about their situations, but are faced with how to move forward when they aren’t fully in charge.

The first question comes from Stacey in Webster:
“We have taken the same family photo of all our nieces and nephews every year in the exact same spot at a state park on the St. Croix River. This year, my sister said her daughter, who is 16, told her she didn’t want to do it anymore and is going to sit it out. I’m annoyed. Shouldn’t my sister make her get in the photo?”

Traditions are important for people for a variety of reasons, and it’s understandable if you feel annoyed, frustrated or disappointed. This tradition matters to you so it makes sense that you have some strong feelings about this.

As kids grow, it’s also developmentally common for them to assert their independence. Your niece may not see this tradition in the same light. And your sister may be choosing her battles as she juggles the parenting challenges.

Ultimately, your sister gets to decide how she will parent her daughter. As much as you may wish you could force them to do something differently, you can’t force either of them. But, you can own how you feel about it, and you could choose to make a request of your niece and/or your sister.

Consider what you really want most out of this situation. Then, decide if this is worth having a conversation with either your niece, your sister or both. And if so, choose the energy you want to bring to that conversation.

Leaning into compassion and curiosity in your conversation can often go a long way over judgment and demands.

The second question comes from Shelly in Siren:
“My son Jacob is frequently at his friend’s house for dinner. I would consider our family healthy eaters, but they get takeout fast food all the time. While I appreciate having Jacob with them, how can I express my concern about their food choices?”

Your concern comes from a loving place as a parent wanting the best for your son, and that is worth noting. However, it’s worth keeping in mind that how other people choose to parent, feed their kids, or run their homes is up to them.

You can request that this family not serve your child fast food when he is with them, but it’s worth considering how that might land and what it could create in that relationship.

Notice what’s within your control. You probably can’t plan and make their meals for them or force them to stop eating fast food, but you can talk to your son about nutrition and how to make healthier choices when he isn’t at home. You can share why it’s important to you without it being a judgment of anyone else.

Parenting is playing the long game for your kids. Of course, there are times you will want to advocate for the world you want your children to live in, and you can also help them develop the tools to navigate this imperfect world as it is.

In both of these situations, knowing what you can actually influence is the most powerful place to start.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Visit Kari’s website to submit your coaching question at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Share

This week, the reader questions center on how to handle situations where one individual’s actions become a challenge for the friendship.

Most of us know that it isn’t necessary to love everything about someone to consider them a good friend (and vice versa). But sometimes, if a friend pushes the limits, you are forced to figure out if you are willing to make a change on your end, request that the friend make a change or handle the fallout for a friendship if neither of those options work.

Both of today’s questions invite the reader to explore what they are willing to make space for, what is a dealbreaker and what response aligns for them when a friend’s behavior creeps past their limits.

The first question comes from Colleen in St. Croix Falls,
“My friend Jackie and I play pickleball all the time at the pickleball court in town. I’m starting to notice Jackie cheats a lot. We’re not playing competitively, but it’s totally ruining it for me, and I don’t want to play with her. She’s a good friend otherwise. Do I call her out or let it go?”

While it might seem like you have to choose between calling her out or letting it go, the heart of the issue is what you are making Jackie’s cheating mean. Is it annoying but something you can get past or does it carry more weight and meaning for you?

Your answer will help you see your next step. You could address it directly, you could keep playing with her and shift your mindset about it to let it go, or you can find a way to step back from this pickleball piece while keeping your friendship otherwise intact.

What is most important to you here? In the end, you can ask her to change, but she might not. And that means the ball is in your court for how you want to proceed with this friendship (in pickleball games and beyond).

This week’s second question comes from Jessica in Centuria, Wisconsin:
“I love my friend, but she tells the longest stories! No detail is too small. I want to be a good friend and listen, but it’s hard to make it to the end! Is there a polite way to tell her to get to the point?”

When your friend rambles on, notice what is happening for you. Are you feeling impatient? Restless? Rushed? What emotions might you be trying to avoid in these long story moments? It is human to have these feelings, and understanding what you really want will guide your next steps.

Similarly, consider what might be driving your friend’s storytelling style. Maybe she wants more time for connection? To be heard? Or time to process verbally?

You’re both human, and you likely want to honor your friend but also your needs. With all these considerations in mind, you have what you need to decide how you want to be a friend in this situation.

As both of this week’s questions highlight, friendships don’t require us to love everything about someone else, but they also don’t mean we have to abandon what is important to us. Both parties in a friendship get to decide what they make space for and what doesn’t work, and then find a way to navigate that for their friendship.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Visit Kari’s website to submit your coaching question at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Share

This week’s questions are both connected to facing the desire to step in and do something, one in anticipation of a choice and the other in retrospect.

The first question comes from Christine in Frederic:
“My daughter’s prom is approaching, and she told me she doesn’t have a date. My friend’s son is also dateless and looking for a date. I want to play matchmaker and set them up to go to each other’s proms. Should I ask my daughter first or just set it up?”

Surely your excitement and intentions in this situation are coming from love and wanting the best for your daughter, and that’s worth pausing and celebrating, no matter what you choose.

Before you dive in and make a match for her, it’s probably helpful to find out how your daughter actually feels. She might be having a wide range of thoughts and emotions about this, and finding out if she is leaning more toward indifferent, embarrassed or eager creates an opportunity for you to connect and better understand how she wants to handle it. Having a conversation about how you can support her and what she wants can help you determine whether or not the matchmaking is your next step.

Whether or not you decide to step in and make this connection, you’ll want to make sure you love your reasons for doing so. This might mean just asking yourself what kind of parent you want to be in this situation. How do you want to support your daughter? This kind of reflection and question can be helpful at many points in parenting, even after this event.

The second question this week comes from Naomi in Frederic, Wisconsin:
“I was recently at a stand-up comedy show in the Twin Cities, and the couple behind us kept talking loudly. It was very distracting. I’m surprised the comedian didn’t say anything. I wanted to turn around and say something. But my husband wouldn’t let me. What should I have done?”

This situation may feel extra challenging because you not only didn’t get the outcome you hoped for during the show, but you also didn’t feel like you had the chance to advocate for that outcome at the event.

To start, you were faced with wanting the couple behind you to stop talking, but also feeling surprised or disappointed that others, including the comedian, didn’t step in. It’s common to want other people to act or show up in a certain way, but when they don’t, it shifts to you to find a way to manage your experience, even if others don’t step up.

Additionally, if deferring to your husband felt like a familiar pattern, that part might have more weight in your experience than if this were an infrequent occurrence. Either way, it’s worth considering what might have felt more aligned for you in that moment.

Even if you couldn’t guarantee anyone else changed their behavior, how do you wish you had handled it? How would you be feeling different if you had done it that way?

Both reader questions this week connect to this impulse to act or do something, and what gets in the way of doing so. Whether you’re pondering what’s next or reflecting on what happened, bringing curiosity to what you really want and why is a great place to start.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Visit Kari’s website to submit your coaching question at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Share

Sometimes, we know what we actually want, but aren’t sure it’s OK to actually ask for it because we are afraid of what others might think. Today’s questions wrestle with how to balance being considerate of others while being true to ourselves.

The first question this week comes from Kendra in Centuria: “I have a very close friend whom I see nearly every day for a walk and spend many dinners and even holidays with. Our families are close too. As much as I love her, I do not like traveling with her. She’s indecisive about whether to go, and once there, indecisive and passive-aggressive the whole time. Chaos ensues, and nothing is accomplished. I’d like to vacation with other friends and not invite her. Can I do this?”

This is a classic example of multiple things being true at once. You love your friend, and you love spending time with her for walks, holidays and dinners, but you don’t love traveling with her. And, that’s OK. You don’t have to share every activity with every friend.

Yes, you can go on vacation with whomever you choose to, and you don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want. But, you likely already know that. So what is the real concern? Maybe it’s whether you have to level with your friend? What are you making it mean about you if you don’t want to travel with her?

One way to approach this is to consider what you would want if you were on the receiving end of this instead. What would you hope your friend would do?

The second question this week comes from Christine in Luck:
“Every time I post something on Instagram or Facebook, my mother-in-law calls my husband to tell him about it. She says judgmental things to him about what our kids and I are doing and leaves comments on each of my pictures. I hate it! Is it bad if I block her from seeing my posts? Help!”

You are clearly feeling some strong emotion around your mother-in-law’s behavior, and that makes sense. Your social media presence is an extension of you, and comments on it can feel like someone has shared their critiques in front of your yard for all to see.

The first step here is to consider what is within your control. You can’t change your mother-in-law or even how your husband responds to her (though you can talk to him about it), but you could explore what it would look like to have your own back in this situation.

Blocking her from seeing your posts may minimize the amount of feedback you receive, and it may be an option to consider. However, it’s kind of like putting up a taller fence around your yard. If someone really wants to see what’s happening inside and comment, they’ll find another way.

Do what you need to take care of yourself in this situation, but also consider how you can support your emotional well-being even if your mother-in-law finds another way to share her perspective. What are you making her words mean about you? What else might be true?

Both Kendra and Christine have permission to own what they need and act accordingly. None of us can force other people to change, but we can learn to be better advocates for ourselves.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master Certified Coach? Send your questions to Kari via her website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Share

This week’s first question comes from Jessica in Siren:

“My son’s teacher has been showing interest in me and asked me out on a date. He is cute, polite, and newly divorced, like me. I want to go out with him, but I am worried my son will find out. Should I go for it?”

The question you are asking is likely more about what it would mean if you did choose to go out with your son’s teacher. And that’s worth slowing down to explore.

It makes sense that you have a whole mix of emotions connected to this teacher taking an interest in you. You get to feel all of that: excited, intrigued, uncertain, cautious and more.

The heart of your question is how to handle this with your son. Before you move forward, consider some key questions: What happens if this goes well? What happens if it doesn’t? How might your son experience knowing his teacher and his parent are dating? What is the benefit of not telling him about this? What is the cost of not telling him? What do you want to model as a parent? There isn’t a right or wrong answer, and what you uncover can help you move forward.

You can’t control how others respond, but you can explore the bigger picture and all its possibilities and complexities. Then, you can choose an approach that helps you stay in integrity with yourself and the kind of parent you want to be. What does your gut say after a closer look?

This week’s second question comes from Renee in Osceola:

“I was recently babysitting my grandkids. My son told me they go to bed at 7:30 p.m. But dinner ran late, and I started our movie night at 8:00 p.m. The kids were exhausted the next day and very badly behaved. Should I feel guilty and confess, or just play dumb?”

Guilt has a way of showing up when there’s a gap between what we did and what we value. And the fact that you are asking this likely indicates there is at least a hint of guilt creeping in.

You wanted the kids to have a good night. Dinner ran late, life happened, and you made a call. That’s grandparenting.

You’re trying to balance owning your choices and how others might react while still aligning with your personal values.

There are multiple reasons you might come clean. First, you might decide you value honesty and transparency and want your son to know what the night actually looked like. Second, by confessing, you might hope that you’ll be able to let go of the guilt and discomfort. Maybe your choice will come from various reasons, but either way, it’s good to know what you are hoping to accomplish.

On the flip side, consider what “playing dumb” might create. The consequences from your son may be fewer, but how does that impact how you think about yourself?

Figure out what is most important to you in this situation and choose from there.

Jessica is debating a choice she hasn’t made yet. Renee is deciding on one she already has. Both are asking: what does being honest look like here and who is it for?

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master Certified Coach? Send your questions to Kari via her website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

The good news here is that the book from your Dad was returned, and it’s worth pausing to acknowledge that. As for the remaining items, there is no way to know what her reasons were for returning everything unless she tells you.

While she decided to return the other items, you also likely had some feelings about receiving the whole bag back when you didn’t ask for all of it. It makes sense that you might feel obligated to reciprocate; that’s human, but there is no universal rule here that says you must match that choice.

That feeling of obligation stems from how you are thinking about this, but there are other options available to you. For example, you could just keep the gifts, or you could return all of them, or you could decide based on each item. You could ask for her input, or not ask her. There are options available, and you can choose what aligns with who you want to be.

This week’s second question comes from Jena in St. Croix Falls:

“My friends are throwing me a surprise 60th birthday party in a few weeks, but one friend accidentally told me. Do I pretend I don’t know and go through with the charade, or do I come clean and let them all know?”

First, happy birthday! What a kind gesture from your friends to celebrate you.

There is no “right” answer when someone has spilled the beans. Your friends’ love and efforts to plan this for you aren’t negated because the surprise was revealed. The intent of the gesture remains.

One option is to consider that playing along could be a gift to your friends planning the event. You can give them the delight of planning the surprise, and maybe even allow yourself to feel truly surprised by the details you don’t know about yet.

Of course, fessing up to getting an advance scoop on the party is also a valid option. You know your friends best. Would telling them you know create an opportunity for connection through a laugh or a story about how it happened?

No matter what you plan to do, consider what you want from that day. Do you want to walk in and let them have their moment? Or would you rather let them know? Neither path is “wrong,” and you can decide to feel love, joy and connection in either situation.

Both writers are facing something they didn’t plan for, and both get to choose the response that aligns for them.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master Certified Coach? Send your questions to Kari via her website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Both of this week’s questions tackle the awkwardness that can arise without a clear rulebook everyone is following. In both situations, bringing some curiosity can help find clarity:

Elizabeth in Wolf Creek, Wisconsin, asks,
“One of my friends arranged her birthday dinner at a great Italian restaurant in the Twin Cities. Another friend with dietary restrictions wants to ask her to change the venue so she has more menu options. Should she?”

Asking the question is certainly an option for your friend with dietary restrictions. Maybe the birthday person doesn’t know the extent of the dietary concerns, or maybe this is her favorite birthday place to eat. The host of the event still gets to decide what she wants, and your friend with dietary restrictions gets to choose how to take care of her own needs.

Most people want to feel included in a group. But, even if the location doesn’t seem to be a good dietary fit, that doesn’t automatically mean your friend can’t join the party.

If it’s important for her to support the birthday host, she can consider many ways to do that. Maybe she asks the host to change restaurants, maybe she contacts the restaurant to arrange options she can eat, or maybe she plans to attend socially but eat elsewhere to allow her to support her friend while still honoring what is best for her body.

Your friends can each assess what’s most important and let that guide their approach.

Matty in St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin, writes,
“My husband and I hosted a potluck dinner for our new neighbors. One of our fellow neighbors brought a delicious dessert, but then asked for the leftovers to take home. I was totally caught off guard and said “yes,” but isn’t that rude? Shouldn’t the leftovers have been left with us? That’s why they are called “leftovers.”

If you were expecting leftovers to stay with you, it’s understandable that you felt surprised. Coaching doesn’t equal etiquette expertise, but a quick internet search reveals that standards for this situation are a little fuzzy.

For a traditional dinner party, the “rules” of some etiquette guides align closely with your expectations. However, with a potluck, the rules are a little less clear. It’s often common for people to take home what they brought, and the reason being it might actually seem rude to overwhelm the host with all of the dishes and leftover food. Again, the “rules” vary from one source to another.

So, if the rules aren’t immediately clear, the best thing you can do is share your expectations with others in the form of a request. Again, just because you make a request doesn’t mean that other people will abide by it, but if they don’t know what you want, it is harder for them to honor it.

In a similar situation in the future, maybe you choose to ask to keep a few pieces of the incredible dessert for yourselves. Or, maybe ask for the recipe too. Many guests would feel honored if the host offered this kind of praise for their contribution to the meal. And, of course, if the guest says no, you are allowed to feel disappointed or frustrated.

Unwritten rulebooks can make social connections tricky, but asking questions and being willing to clarify your wishes can be a path to finding a middle ground.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master Certified Coach? Send your questions to Kari via her website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Share

The first question this week comes from Mary in Balsam Lake, Wisconsin:
“There is a girl in our friend group who talks way too much, and it’s mostly about herself. It’s exhausting. What can I say?”

Chances are, many readers have experienced similar situations. It’s understandable to feel frustrated. Most of us want to feel seen and present with our friends. Her oversharing might have you questioning your ability to connect and enjoy the time with the group.

It’s helpful to remember that your discomfort in these situations is linked to what you are making her talking mean for you. When you perceive “she talks way too much,” and it’s about herself, that interpretation fuels your frustration. There might be others in groups like this who think it is interesting to have someone talk so much, or yet another person might just let it go and not be bothered. There is no universal way to think and feel, but you control your own response.

Of course, there may be many reasons someone talks more than listens. She might be anxious or trying to fit in. She might be struggling to feel connected. She could be showing a symptom of ADHD. She may not realize she is talking more than others. Bring your curiosity to this situation. That awareness and attempt to understand can guide how you proceed.

What you decide to say, if you do, will also depend on your reasons. Do you want her to change? To just be aware? To apologize? To understand her better?

Even if you point out the behavior that concerns you and ask her to talk less, you can’t guarantee how it will be received. Maybe she takes it to heart, maybe she gets defensive or angry, or maybe she responds another way.

You can make a request, but it doesn’t guarantee she will change. Who do you want to be in this situation, even if she doesn’t change?

This week’s second question comes from Nancy in Webster, Wisconsin:
“My boyfriend’s mom sends me very sweet, but very long text messages on a regular basis. I am super busy, so I don’t have time to respond the way I like to. I leave her messages unread for multiple days, and then I really feel guilty. I don’t want this situation to tarnish our relationship. Do you have any advice?”

Notice the hidden rule you have for yourself in this situation. These rules often sound like “shoulds.” Notice what your specific rules are. If you are feeling guilty, for example, you might be telling yourself, “I should respond sooner.” When you believe that and feel guilty, you make it harder for yourself to show up for yourself and your boyfriend’s Mom.

We can’t read her mind. It’s possible she doesn’t see this delay as tarnishing the relationship. But you won’t know unless you ask or have a conversation about it.

When you have that information and can look at your own thinking on this, you may consider changing how you handle her texts, or you might not. Either way, when you are honest with her and yourself, you have an opportunity to rewrite your story about this and show up for both of you in a way that feels more aligned for you.

Communication styles vary, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a path forward.

Share

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Send your questions to Kari via her website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

This week’s questions are centered on deciding if and how to speak up in challenging situations.

The first comes from Karen in Siren:
My husband got fired for harassing a coworker and he won’t talk about it. What can I do? I want to know what he did. I am on the verge of calling up the HR lady myself to seek an explanation. Do you feel he owes me an explanation?

Many spouses in your situation would want more information. You are probably feeling many emotions such as frustration, anger, fear, doubt or more. You may be unsure what this means for you and your marriage, so it makes sense that you want more information. And yet, your husband may still not want to share. And Human Resources will likely be limited in what they can legally share with you.

To start, figure out what is really most troubling for you. This doesn’t have to be just one thing, but it will be easier to identify your next steps when you know what is most important for you.

Maybe you are concerned about the nature of the harassment, or angry about the way it was handled or more frustrated by his unwillingness to share? Maybe you are worried about the impact on his career, or your finances, or the legal issues, or something else?

Zero in on your biggest concerns first. Then, choose your approach based on what allows you to show up for yourself while being the kind person you want to be in this situation.

Just because you ask for information doesn’t mean he will share, even if you think that is what he should do. The energy you bring to the conversation can make an impact. When you lead with curiosity or concern, you offer a safer space for him to confide than blaming or outrage. Bring your curiosity, see what he offers, and then decide how to interpret his response.

You are allowed to want more information, and he may not choose to share more. Decide what that means for you. Getting clear on why it’s important to you allows you to have your own back no matter what you do or don’t learn.

The next question comes from Jennifer in Osceola:
My sister-in-law once again made a New Year’s resolution to “clean up her life,” both emotionally and physically. She asked me where she should start. Can I tell her to dump the boyfriend who is making her miserable?

You can tell her whatever you think is best, but that doesn’t mean she will follow that advice. And it also doesn’t mean she will be happy about your suggestions.

The fact that she asked for your advice suggests she trusts you and knows you care. Of course, you hope she will listen and just take your suggestions to heart, but there is no guarantee that anyone will do exactly what you suggest, but you can help her see her own best path.

Be thoughtful about how you make suggestions, and create a space where she is encouraged to consider new perspectives. Ask genuine questions about what she is hoping to create for her life, bring your curiosity, acknowledge her strengths, help her see what is possible, and let your genuine care help you guide her to an empowering approach for her resolutions.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master Certified Coach? Send your questions to Kari via her website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Share

Carl in Dresser, Wisconsin, writes:
I am a 35-year-old single man. My friend, who is also 35, told me that she loves me just four weeks before her wedding to another man. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I lost my wife about two years ago, have a 5-year-old daughter, and have not dated since my wife passed away.

It’s understandable if this situation feels a bit overwhelming. Your friend has shared a vulnerable revelation in a tight timeframe. You are trying to navigate that along with grief, single parenthood, and life transitions. Most people would feel pressure, uncertainty and urgency here.

Even though you care about your friend, her sudden emotional clarity doesn’t require immediate action. You can be compassionate and caring, but you don’t have to solve this. Your friend’s confession may be tied to her own uncertainty or fear. Her feelings are valid, but they are hers. You may want to help, but the responsibility to resolve this is not all on you.

To start, slow things down. What do you want for your life right now? What kind of relationship are you interested in? What kind of life do you want to create for your daughter? These answers guide your response.

Even if you want a relationship, it doesn’t have to happen immediately. Reflect first, then respond. This helps you care for everyone involved.

Acknowledge her feelings and yours without rushing. There is no “right answer” here, only the next step that aligns with the life you hope to build moving forward.

Share

Samantha in Frederic, Wisconsin, writes:
I have been dating a guy I met online for six months. I have not told anyone because I am 32 and he is 22. We have gotten serious, but I know my friends and family will not approve. When should I tell them?

There is no universal “right time” to share something you suspect may invite strong opinions. The real concern underneath this question is likely less about “when”, and more about what their disapproval will mean for your relationship.

Your friends and family may have all sorts of reactions, but remember that these stem from their love, fear, and beliefs about what relationships should look like. None of that automatically means they are right or you are wrong.

Before you have a conversation, get clear on why this relationship works and is important for you. What feels supportive, healthy, and aligned? Why does it work for you? When you are clear on the relationship, you can better listen to others without second-guessing yourself.

You can hear their concerns without letting those opinions take over your decision-making. Listening with an open mind does not require you to agree. Getting others’ approval is not a requirement to live in alignment with your values.

When you do choose to share, focus on honesty rather than a sales pitch. How others respond is outside of your control. How you show up is yours to decide.

Both of this week’s questions highlight situations where others’ emotions can lead us to think we need to conform or rush to decide. Slow down, clarify what matters most, and choose to respond intentionally. This keeps you in integrity rather than urgency.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Submit your questions here or via Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

This week’s questions both focus on navigating conflict with people you care about — and deciding how to respond when frustration runs high.

Mark in Luck, Wisconsin, writes:
Am I overreacting for threatening to take my sister to court after her toddler destroyed my $2,000 video gaming system? She said I should have baby-proofed my apartment.

Of course, you feel frustrated if something valuable to you was damaged, and it likely seems unfair if you perceive the responsibility is being brushed aside by your sister.

Many other people might likely be upset in your situation. However, the key question you will want to consider is what matters most to you going forward.

Are you primarily focused on recovering the monetary value of the system? Or preserving your relationship with your sister? Or ensuring you will be able to create a close connection with your niece or nephew? Or a blend of these and more?

These priorities won’t necessarily all point you in the same direction; however, when you are honest with yourself about which ones matter most these answers can help guide your approach at this time.

Taking your sister to court is an option, but it’s not the only one. You do get to be upset, but how you respond from anger might look very different than a response from disappointment or acceptance that it happened. Maybe you explore shared responsibility, partial repayment, or a plan that allows you to replace the system over time. Maybe you find another solution that works for you and your sister.

And, she may or may not be willing to change her stance, but you can own your role and then consider how you want to handle so that you can look back on this in the future and know you chose a path that was in line with your priorities.

You can’t change the damage that occurred, but you can choose the story you tell about it and the action you take next.

Share

Charlie in Milltown, Wisconsin, writes:
My wife and I have been married for 13 years. After years of financial hardship, we can now travel twice a year. The problem is she only wants to go to Disney World. We’ve been nine times, including our honeymoon. How do I tell her I’m tired of Disney and want to go somewhere else?

While it might seem like this is about the destination, your challenge here is really about navigating different wants. Your wife likely loves the comfort, nostalgia and safety in the familiar. But, that doesn’t mean your desire for something new is wrong either.

Before talking to her, get clear on what you want. Is it variety? Adventure? Feeling considered in the decision-making? Understanding that, you can more easily share what you want from a loving place.

You can honor what Disney represents for her, but also share what you desire. This doesn’t have to be an either/or conversation. It could be an opportunity to find middle ground. Maybe you alternate trip destinations or work together to redefine what vacation means to you both.

This conversation has the potential to deepen your connection.

And, both of this week’s questions remind us that frustration doesn’t mean something can’t be repaired. It often means something matters. Slow down, clarify your priorities, and respond intentionally. Challenges can often lead to growth.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Send your questions via Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Mary in Centuria, Wisconsin, writes:
My friend is a personal trainer and she just got engaged. She asked me to be in her wedding party, and then suggested I lose 20–30 pounds for better wedding photos. I’m not obese but a little on the fluffy side. I am comfortable with who I am, and my doctor is too. Do you feel she is out of line, or am I just being sensitive?

Being asked to be in a wedding typically means you have a close connection to the bride or groom. When their acceptance of you suddenly seems conditional, it makes sense that it might sting.

Here’s the key: people can make requests, but you get to decide what those requests mean to you and how you respond.

Your friend’s suggestion reflects on her more than it says anything about you, but that doesn’t diminish the emotional impact for you. If you interpret her request to mean, “I’m only acceptable if I change,” then of course it hurts.

Whether or not you believe she was “out of line,” you can let her be her while still taking care of yourself. Check in with your priorities on this: Do you want to be in the wedding regardless? Do you want to set a clear boundary around your participation? Or maybe you want to step away from it entirely?

Decide what is most important to you in this situation. Maybe, “I understand that you have a vision for your wedding, but I’m not planning to lose weight and know that may change how you prefer I participate in your wedding.” In this way, you look out for yourself while also acknowledging her request.

No matter what your friend says, you set the standard that works for you and then choose to take care of you no matter what.

Share

Cheryl in Webster, Wisconsin, writes:
I showed my friend Diana a photo of a dress I was thinking about ordering. She said it looked unflattering, so I didn’t buy it. Two weeks later, she showed up at a party wearing that same dress. Should I say something or let it go?

It’s completely normal to have some feelings about this. You’re probably questioning, “Why would she say that and then buy it?”

You get to feel however you feel about this, and in fact, allowing space to feel may help you decide what is next. Then, consider what is most important for you in this situation, so that you can decide your next move.

Take note of your reason for saying something. Are you needing to share your frustration? Just curious about her choice of the dress? Or trying to repair trust in this friendship?

Your “why” guides your approach.

If you do choose to say something, remember that curiosity is a good start. Maybe you share, “When I saw you wearing that dress, I was really surprised as you said it was unflattering. What changed your perspective?”

Both of this week’s questions highlight that you can’t control what others say or do, but you can choose how you respond. Feeling hurt is OK and you decide how you react. Pause, clarify what matters most, and then respond. This helps you take care of yourself and your relationships.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Send your questions via Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

Mark in St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin, writes:
I serve on the Board of Directors for a nonprofit organization. I’ve had an eye on one of my fellow board members, but she was engaged. In July, her engagement fell through. We recently went out for drinks, and she said she wasn’t looking for anyone. I really like her and want to ask her out, but I’m worried the time might be too soon. What should I do?

It’s completely normal to hesitate here. You’re trying to balance your interest with respect for her situation, and you likely also want to avoid rejection.

The most important thing is that she already gave you information. When she said she isn’t looking for anyone right now, that wasn’t a mixed signal. It was clarity about her current state.

That doesn’t mean you can’t express interest, but how you do it matters. If you care about her as a person, you will want to honor her words and be honest about yourself. You might share that you enjoy spending time with her and that the door is open for the future, while also respecting her current situation. Or you may decide to wait. There isn’t a right answer here, only what feels aligned for you and honors her as well.

The question is: what matters most to you? Avoiding discomfort, honoring her wishes, and aligning with your values. When you understand your motivations, that clarity can guide your approach.

Matthew in Luck, Wisconsin, writes:
I reconnected with a childhood friend who now lives in Florida. We talked almost every night for two weeks. I booked a trip using airline miles, but when I reconfirmed, she said she had a work meeting during my visit. It felt like a waste of a visit, so I canceled. The hotel was nonrefundable. Should I ask her to reimburse me, or take the $400 loss as a lesson?

It makes sense that you felt disappointed. You invested money and emotional energy based on how connected the conversations felt. Where things shifted was in the meaning you assigned to her schedule change.

“She isn’t really going to be free” and “this is a waste of a visit” are one interpretation, but there may be other ways to look at this. She didn’t say the visit wasn’t worth it. That was your conclusion.

Before deciding to ask for reimbursement, check your intentions. Are you hoping to recover the money, express frustration, or gain clarity about this relationship? If your goal is understanding, it may be more useful to say you had different expectations about what the visit would look like and in the future you would want to discuss schedules before making plans.

You can ask about reimbursement, but understand that she may not view the situation the same way. Her response will give you information about how she handles communication and shared responsibility.

Both of these situations highlight that uncertainty is part of getting to know someone. The temptation can be to guess, assume, or protect ourselves. But when you listen carefully to your own intentions and to the other person, you can use that information to guide your next step.

Clarity doesn’t guarantee the outcome, but it does help you move in alignment with who you want to be.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Send your questions via Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Subscribe now

It’s not surprising that you are frustrated and hurt. Most people in your situation would be. Your manager didn’t simply change a schedule; they sent a message about your status in the workplace. Many people would interpret this message to mean their version of “family” matters less than someone else’s.

Alas, employment rights are beyond the scope of coaching advice. You will benefit from seeking support on what protections exist for employees before deciding your next steps.

You can start by reviewing your state’s Fair Employment Laws. In Wisconsin, you can do that through the Department of Workforce Development’s website: https://dwd.wisconsin.gov/eworkboard/fair-employment/. This site outlines the basic categories covered under the law. For more clarity, you may want to consult an employment law professional who can explain your rights and options. To get started, you could reach out via https://wi.freelegalanswers.org/ from the American Bar Association.

This is simply about being better informed before you decide how to proceed. No matter what the legal details are, you have important information about how decisions are made where you work.

You covered holidays and honored your team for years, and when you requested something and received approval, it was revoked. You get to decide what you make this mean about how your employer views personal commitments and how they prioritize their definition of “family.”

You can determine how you will advocate for yourself. Maybe you choose to go back to your manager with the facts clearly outlined. Your tone doesn’t need to be defensive. Just clear and grounded: “I planned my trip based on approved time off. These plans are paid for and not changeable. I need to understand what options exist to restore the original approval.”

Then you assess how your employer responds. This is not about being right, but to truly understand your options and how your employer values you.

You’re allowed to have feelings about this. You’re allowed to want your holidays to matter as much as anyone else’s. You’re allowed to advocate for yourself.

Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Send your questions via Substack or visit Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

This week’s question comes from Agnes in Osceola, Wisconsin:
For Valentine’s Day, my boyfriend always says, ‘It’s a corporate holiday invented by chocolate and flower companies to sell products,’ and he refuses to participate. I get that, but I wouldn’t mind a little special treatment. Any advice?

You’re not alone in this one. Plenty of couples land on opposite sides of this debate. One side rolls their eyes at the marketing, and the other quietly hopes for a little extra thought or tenderness. Both perspectives can exist, and it sounds like you’re wishing yours could meet closer to the middle.

Wanting to feel seen or appreciated isn’t about the holiday, but wanting to know that what matters to you matters to the person you’re with. But sometimes, what hurts most isn’t the missing flowers or cards, it’s the missing acknowledgment. The desire to know someone sees you.

It’s okay to want that. But your boyfriend is also allowed to feel how he feels about the day. The challenge and opportunity lie in balancing both truths simultaneously.

Be clear about what this holiday represents for you. Maybe it’s a reminder to slow down and notice the love you share. Perhaps it’s a small spark of playfulness or romance. When you know your why, it’s easier to talk about it without debating.

Maybe you say, “I know Valentine’s Day feels commercial to you, but for me, it’s about feeling connected. I would love for us to mark the day in a simple way that feels like us.” Whether that’s cooking dinner together or sharing a few kind words, the point is to invite connection, not to win an argument about the holiday’s meaning.

If he’s open, great. If not, that response still gives you information. It shows you how he approaches differences and what partnership looks like when you don’t see eye to eye. That’s useful data, even if it’s not the answer you wanted.

And you still have options. You can decide to celebrate love in a way that feels right for you. You might treat yourself to something that feels good, write a few notes to the people you care about, or simply take time to appreciate what’s already working in your life. When you stop waiting for someone else to make a day meaningful, you begin creating meaning on purpose.

If this mismatch in values feels small, you can let it stay small. If it feels bigger, like it keeps leaving you unseen or unheard, then it’s worth paying attention to that pattern. You don’t have to call it right or wrong. Just notice what it tells you about how each of you shows love and whether that works for you both.

The heart of this question isn’t about Valentine’s Day itself. It’s about how we navigate the space between what we hope for and what someone else chooses to give. Sometimes that space feels disappointing, but it can also be clarifying. It helps you see both who your partner is and who you are when things don’t go as planned.

You can care about him and still care for yourself. You can appreciate his view and still honor your own. Whether or not he joins in, you get to decide what love looks like for you and how you want to show up for it.

Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Send your questions via Substack or visit Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

This week’s question comes from an anonymous reader in St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin:
“My sister’s best friend is trying to make a move on me behind her back. She slid in my DMs, flirting and sent me heart-eye emojis. Can I make a move without telling my sister?”

It’s understandable if this surprised you. You didn’t invite it, and you may not have expected to feel anything at all. That uncertainty doesn’t mean something has gone wrong; it just means you are human. The most important thing here is what you decide to do next.

You could make a move without telling your sister. Technically, that’s an option. But the real question underneath your message isn’t can you, it’s who do you want to be in this situation? How do you want to remember handling this moment a year from now?

There’s nothing “right or wrong” about attraction. It’s neutral until you decide what to do with it. What gives this situation weight is that there are multiple relationships involved: your relationship with your sister, your relationship with her friend, and your relationship with yourself.

It might be easy to think, “No one will know,” or “It shouldn’t matter,” but the fact that you’re asking the question suggests you already sense that it does matter, at least to you. Something in you is asking for clarity before acting, and that’s worth listening to.

Consider what you might be hoping to avoid by not talking to your sister. Maybe you don’t want to deal with her judgment or disappointment. Maybe you fear she’ll see it as a betrayal or that it could cost her the friendship. Or maybe you don’t want to face the discomfort that comes with a hard conversation.

All of that is normal. Our brains are wired to avoid discomfort. But avoidance doesn’t erase the discomfort, it usually just delays it. When we skip the hard stuff now, we often set ourselves up for a harder situation later.

Before deciding, pause long enough to imagine your future self looking back on this. Which version of events feels more aligned with your values? The version where you went ahead on your own or the version where you were upfront, even if it was uncomfortable in the moment?

You don’t have to know exactly how you feel about this friend yet. You just need to know what matters most to you as you move forward. If honesty and trust are key values this can be an opportunity to practice them now.

If you decide to talk to your sister, it doesn’t have to be dramatic. You might say something like, “Hey, your friend reached out and it caught me off guard. I’m not sure what I think about it yet, but I wanted you to know.” That kind of directness may not feel easy, but it can build trust with her and with yourself.

Integrity isn’t about being perfect. It’s about alignment, choosing the path that lets you look yourself in the mirror and feel proud of how you handled it. You can’t control what anyone else does next, but you can decide what kind of person you’ll be in this story.

Every relationship, romantic or otherwise, is shaped by the choices we make when things get messy. You can make this something that strengthens your character instead of testing it.

Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Send your questions via Substack or visit Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

This week’s reader question comes from Chloe in Grantsburg, Wisconsin:
"I texted ‘I love you’ to a guy I’ve been dating and didn’t realize it until the next morning. I tried calling him and texting him, but he hasn’t responded. Is there a way to walk it back?”

Countless people who have dated in the age of smartphones have had a moment like this: the text you wish you could unsend, the message that feels too honest, too soon. You woke up, saw what you sent, and then your brain probably offered a flood of “Oh no” thoughts. It’s key to remember, though, that the sinking, uneasy, embarrassed feeling comes from what you are making this mean for you, not the actual text itself. You took a small emotional risk, but your mind turned it into an emergency. Here’s the truth, though: you didn’t do anything wrong. You were human and vulnerable for one brief moment, and that’s where real connection begins.

There might not be a way to literally walk it back once he’s seen it, but you get to decide what you make it mean. Maybe you were thinking, “He’ll think I’m desperate,” which triggers shame and panic. But you could also be thinking, “I meant it, and it’s okay if it surprised him.” Those thoughts lead to very different feelings and actions.

A great place to start would be to ask yourself: What prompted me to send that message? Was it true in that moment? Do I want it to be true now? Getting clear on what’s real for you matters more than trying to manage his reaction. If it isn’t true for you, your approach afterward will be different if it still feels true.

Right now, your mind is probably offering guesses: He’s freaked out. He’s ghosting me. I ruined everything. But those are stories, not facts. The only fact is that you texted “I love you,” and he hasn’t replied yet. Everything else is interpretation. Instead of spinning in what-ifs, consider curiosity. Maybe he felt caught off guard. Maybe he’s unsure what to say. Maybe his phone is off. You won’t know until you talk. Curiosity calms the nervous system and opens space for connection, while fear shuts it down.

Once you’ve grounded yourself, decide what kind of partner you want to be in this moment. Do you want to chase reassurance or communicate calmly? You might send a simple message like, “Hey, I realized I sent that last night. I would love to talk about where we’re both at.” That shows maturity and steadiness rather than backpedaling or over-explaining. Imagine the version of you who is secure and confident in love. How would she handle this? She would probably lead with honesty over apology.

Whether he responds warmly or not at all, you’ll learn something valuable. If he’s willing to talk about it, great. You get to see where the relationship stands. If he disappears, you’ve learned that communication under pressure isn’t his strong suit. Either way, you gain clarity about what you want in a partner. It’s okay if you feel embarrassed or sad. Those emotions make sense. You can allow them without judging yourself. Vulnerability can sting, but it’s also how we build real connection. You can’t unsend love, but you can stand in it with grace. That’s where your power is.

Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a question you want answered in a future column? Send your questions via direct message here on Substack or via Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.

Weddings have a way of sti…

Read more

A 10-day adventure with friends provides an opportunity for lifelong memories. At the same time, it makes sense t…

Read more

This week’s question comes from Molly in St. Croix Falls, Wisconsin:
“Our best couple friends, Erica and Dave, just broke up. Erica scrubbed Dave from her social media and asked us to do the same! We have some great memories together that I don't want to erase. What do I say to her?”

It makes sense that you’re feeling caught in the middle. You have great memories that include both Erica and Dave, but you also want to honor your ongoing friendship with Erica. Breakups don’t just affect the couple; they ripple outward into the friendships, too.

First, let’s step back and assess the situation. Yes, Erica requested that you remove evidence of Dave from your social media. But what is really creating your discomfort is what you are making this request mean for you. When you are thinking this means you are erasing memories, it begins to feel much heavier. Both pieces are valid and important, but you only have control over how you respond.

Notice that you are equating deleting photos to erasing great memories, but the photos themselves are reminders of the memories that you hold in your brain. Deleting the pictures doesn’t erase the memory, but it’s also completely understandable that you might want to keep those photo reminders.

One question that can be helpful is, “What else might be possible in this situation?” When you look at it this way, you can begin to see that it isn’t necessarily a yes or no choice. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe you choose to move the photos into a private album for yourself, or maybe you remove some posts but keep only a few that are most important to you. Maybe you decide to archive the photos to a device so you still have access to them.

There may be other alternative options too. The key is that considering these middle ground options lets you choose how to keep your own photos while also being considerate of your friend’s request.

Remember, Erica’s ask is a request, not a requirement. You get to decide how you want to handle it. Your photos belong to you, and you are the one who decides what to keep, what to share, and how.

At the same time, it’s natural to think about what kind of friend you want to be. Ideally, you want to honor her feelings as best you can while still setting boundaries that feel right to you. That is the balance. Caring about someone else without giving up your own emotional space is what true friendship looks like.

Decide how you want to show up for yourself and your friend. You may decide that kindness and clarity are key. Knowing that will help you decide how to proceed. No matter what you decide to do, that intention will help you express that in a caring yet clear way to Erica.

While you can’t control how Erica will respond, you can feel good about your choice as long as it aligns with who you want to be as both a person and a friend.

No one can force you to erase your photos or your memories, but you can choose a thoughtful response that lets you be compassionate and still honor your memories. When you blend honesty, kindness, and trust in yourself, it will lead you to a decision that feels right.

Have a question you want answered in a future column? Submit your questions via Kari’s website at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.