Looking for the unwritten rules
Two readers navigate guilt, invitations and what we actually owe each other
Social gatherings can be a source of stress even before the event happens, as this week’s questions demonstrate.
The first comes from an anonymous reader:
Our friends are throwing a DIY wedding next month. They sent out a spreadsheet for all guests to sign up for ‘jobs’ to help out on the big day, things like setting up chairs, arranging place settings, etc. I get that it’s a DIY, but can I bail from putting in a shift, or should I suck it up?
Given your question, it sounds like you know what you want to do, but you are looking for permission to not participate in the jobs requested for the wedding. The fact that you’re asking indicates you care about your friends, but there are no rules stating you must pitch in. Whatever you decide, own your choice and like your reasons.
Since you refer to having to “suck it up,” it seems you might be feeling some guilt or obligation around putting in a shift. These kinds of feelings are just indications of how you are approaching this situation. Feeling guilt or obligation doesn’t make you bad or wrong any more than feeling excited or grateful makes you right or good.
If you decide to help, it might be more enjoyable to consider a different approach to the assignment. Feeling resentful or obligated won’t be fun for you and isn’t likely to bring more joy to your friends’ big day.
And, lastly, remember that your friends may have any number of responses to your choice; there is no way to guarantee how they will feel. They may just be grateful for those who choose to help out and not have any hard feelings toward those who don’t.
While this first question centered on a request and invitation that’s already been made, the second question looks at the social expectations around vague communication. Missy in Siren writes:
How should you deal with ‘phantom invitations’? For example, that friend who says ‘We’d love to have you down to the lake house this summer’, but then you never hear from them with a specific date. Can you or should you follow up? or just let it go?
Before you decide what to do, it’s helpful to take a look at what you are making this phantom invitation mean about you and/or your friendship with this person. For example, if you are thinking this means your friend doesn’t value your friendship, you’ll be feeling very differently than you would be if you are thinking your friend is just forgetful or busy. Where does it land for you?
As for your response, that depends on what you want from this friendship and connection. If you really want to spend time with your friend at the lake house, go ahead and follow up. No matter what your friend offers, you will have useful information about the schedule and the invitation itself. And if the response isn’t what you hoped for, you also have information and can let it go and move on.
What kind of friend do you want to be? What do you want most for this friendship? How you answer these questions can become your guide. Your answers will help you decide your next step regarding these phantom invitations as well as help you navigate any future interactions.
Midwest Moxie: Coaching for Your Life appears bi-weekly. Have a coaching question you want answered by a Master-Certified Coach? Visit Kari’s website to submit your coaching question at https://heykarianne.com/ask-kari.